What to say to a bereaved employee

It can be difficult to know what to say to someone who has been bereaved. Colleagues often really want to help but don't know what to say. Some common concerns we hear include:

• What if I say the ‘wrong’ thing?
• What if I make them upset or cry?
• What if I get upset myself?
• Concerns about respecting diversity
• Concerns about respecting privacy

And the list goes on…

It is easy to worry so much about saying the wrong thing that we avoid saying anything at all.

As a general rule, it is better to do something rather than nothing, and to acknowledge someone’s loss rather than ignore it. If a colleague has been bereaved they are likely to need support, both practical and emotional, and as a line manager you need to be able to handle this.

You cannot do a person any harm by asking them how they are. If they get upset, they were in pain already, you are just acknowledging their situation rather than leaving them alone in it.

Make sure you won’t be interrupted by colleagues, emails or phones. A private, quiet place is best if possible.

• Offer your condolences as soon as you can. Something as simple as "I'm so sorry this has happened" 
• Make sure you have the details right – who has died and their relationship to your colleague.
• Avoid assumptions, clichés or sharing your own experiences. This can make the other person feel like you are minimising their grief or trying to take away from their experience. 
• Offer practical help. If they have only just heard the news they might be glad of transport home or a way to get in touch with family. You can ask "What would be most helpful right now?" 
• Let them know what support is available. This may include leave policies or employee assistance programmes. It is best to write this down, with contact details if they need it later.
• Don’t assume you know their religious/cultural/spiritual practices. It can be helpful to ask if they have any practices you should be aware of so you can be sensitive towards this. 
• If it’s appropriate, you may want to ask if they want you to let other people know at work. If they say yes, how much do they want to share? Would they like work colleagues to come to the funeral?
• Don’t be offended if they don’t want to talk further. It may be the wrong time.
• Check in again at a later time to ask if they wish to talk or need any other support.

If there are any steps you agree, such as taking time off or letting colleagues know, you may want to write a supportive email so they have a record of this to refer to if needed.

While your colleague is away from work on compassionate leave, you will want to be able to keep in touch. The line manager is usually the best person for this, but it could be another colleague if that makes better sense for your workplace.

The important thing is that the bereaved person knows who will be in contact with them and what to expect.

Continue to the step-by-step guide to supporting a bereaved employee for more information.