Anthony's Christmas Day in October

“His name was Anthony Whitter,” laughs Karlet, “but some people called him ‘Welfed’ because he loved food and he was quite a big person in size in his younger days!”

“He was my 'BFG', like the book, The Big Friendly Giant. You could easily look at him and think he was big and scary. But really, he was just the opposite.”

Anthony was the second oldest in their family of ten – six girls and four boys. His love of food was legendary, “especially Mum’s Jamaican Caribbean food,” Karlet says. “Anyone that knew him knows that when he came round to see them, he enjoyed their food too!”

Anthony was, over and above, a family man – according to Karlet, he just loved seeing the family together. He was also a keen walker, moving to Congleton, near the Peak District, to enjoy access to the countryside. With four children of his own, he was well known for having his nieces and nephews to stay, all of whom adored him.

The move to the countryside was preceded by a youth full of fast cars – especially Ford Cosworths, and Mitsubishi Subaru’s – and he was well known in the rave scene. “He absolutely loved jungle music,” says Karlet. “People used to have another name for him there, which was ‘Techno’! He was known for doing his ‘jungle dance’ and everyone would be around him.”

“He was one of those characters when he came, you’d just know Anthony’s here…’Welfed’s here’…’Techno’s here’! When Anthony arrived, you knew about it…he had this deep, booming voice. He’d turn up in his car, you would always hear the music. His kids all love jungle music too.

“And he loved our Mum. The relationship they had was just different. They had such a funny way when they were together. You'd think they were friends or something. He was just bubbly.”

In Anthony’s early thirties, he developed diabetes. And although his increasing health issues caused him to stop attending his beloved raves, it didn’t affect his family oriented nature. He married his childhood sweetheart, having four children: the oldest now 30, the youngest 17.

Karlet says that even in the midst of his health issues, he was always happy.

She describes her and Anthony's relationship as ‘different’: 

“When we would speak we would have really deep conversations. He was that big brother that I could speak to about anything. And he could speak to me. 

"We would talk about life and could be on the phone for hours. He was ever so caring and wanted to make sure everyone was well.

At Anthony’s side throughout his life was his wife, his rock. Karlet describes her as ‘an amazing woman’. “She's looked after him, all the way through... a true and devoted wife.”

Karlet explains that her family weren’t familiar with end of life services, although as a mental health practitioner, she was: “I was thinking, if this is the case, this is what's going to happen – what are the next steps?”

“When our mum died, we brought her home and gave her end of life care there as a family because that was my mum's wish. As a culture, as a family, that's what we do. It’s our rite of passage to do that.”

The conversation now changed: the family needed to find out about hospice care.

The hospice visited the family in hospital and explained what they could do to help Anthony. Karlet says that they faced a dilemma: “I didn't think it was fair, that if we knew he was dying, for him to stay in the hospital where you could think that there's hope… and there's not.

“Anthony didn't like hospitals because of how long he had been in and out of them over the course of his life.

The family’s local hospice, St Ann’s Hospice in Manchester, allowed Anthony to split his time between their inpatient unit and his home, so that he could adjust.

“Being at home allowed the family to come round and just have time with him. But we got to the point where we couldn't  move him.”

Anthony didn’t go to the hospice alone – the whole family came too. “Wherever we go, we are a big family. And we like to do things as a family. We have Christmas parties. We like to eat food. We like to be together. We have a lot of nieces and nephews and some of them have their own kids as well.”

The family had heard the news about Anthony, and were coming down, en masse, to the hospice to see him. 

One of Anthony’s final wishes was to visit one of his favourite places in the world: the bright lights and amusements of Blackpool.

“He loved getting out, especially to Blackpool,” says Karlet, “he liked going to the fish and chip shop, walking the Pier and the Arcade… he used to do that often with his family.

“So one day, all the family – about four or five cars, packed with us all – took him there. There must have been 25 of us in the fish and chips shop in the Arcade… Anthony in his wheelchair, with his blankets on him.

“And then he just said, “I want to go home now.”

It was early October, but Karlet says that the family saw Christmas on the horizon. They came up with a plan. 

“We knew that the family may not get Christmas together so we thought we’d bring it forward. The hospice were amazing. We have such a big family that they let us use one of their big function rooms. 

“We put up decorations, my family set up the room with balloons and put pictures of him and his family up… lots of memories. The room was dressed in cream and gold… fit for a King. There was a big picture of him, and one of our Mum there too.

“He didn't know it was a surprise. He didn't know so many people were going to be there. He adored his family and loved seeing everyone in his space, just for him.”

Staff at St Ann’s helped the family prepare for the early Christmas – and importantly, keep it under wraps:

“All the staff were coming in to help, and allowed so many of us to be in this space.

“It was really nice. We had Christmas dinner together. We all brought our own dishes. We did a quiz about all the different things that Anthony enjoyed doing: a sort of ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ thing. My sisters asked all these questions and there were some very funny things.

“Anthony loved The Marvels – he loved comics. Even as an adult, he would watch every Marvel movie. So they all brought adult fancy dress, and dressed up as Marvels! They brought him out in his wheelchair, sat him there and then they all came out wearing Marvel clothes, with the music on. I remember thinking, ‘my family are just something else!’

Being able to have an early Christmas Day together meant the world to the family.

“The hospice were just there: they supported us through the pain, supported us when we needed to move my brother. Guided us all the way through. Accommodated us, allowed us to be in there. They made sure my family could be there 24 hours a day.

“We didn't feel any pressure. They never said ‘no, it's not something we can do.’”

Anthony died at St Ann’s Hospice on 8th October 2023. He was 51-years-old.

Karlet reflects further on the memories they made as a family in the hospice, before Anthony died: “We tried to just make him happy, as a family…no matter how he felt, there are so many memories in it afterwards.

“When someone's gone, we only have the memories we have made before. Memories mean everything. When I look back now to that year and I see the photos in my phone, I think, ‘wow, we've done this for my brother.’ I’m so thankful it was accommodated, and the hospice were there to support us.

“If he had been in the hospital, we would have never been able to do those things with him. But we now have those memories because we decided to go into the hospice with my brother.

“They made the end of life care so supportive and compassionate not just for Anthony, but the whole family. It just gave us, and Anthony’s children and wife, that kind of comfort that they needed, and that space for them to be there with their dad and husband.

“The hospice made all that happen, and those memories live on with us now. We’ll never forget what they did for our family and my brother.

“I'm sure St Ann’s Hospice will remember Anthony. I just want people to know about the great work they're doing, and what an amazing service they offer. You really don’t know what a hospice can do for you until you're in that predicament. And I think it shouldn't be like that.”

At his funeral, and in honour of his love of cars, Anthony’s blue Subaru hearse pulled up outside the church, playing jungle music.

Karlet emphasises the importance of having open, honest conversations about death well before it becomes an immediate reality. These discussions, though uncomfortable, can reduce trauma, help loved one's transition peacefully, and ease the grieving process afterwards. 

She believes that as a society, we should reimagine our approach to death, seeing it not with fear but as a natural part of life. By normalising these conversations within families and communities, we can better prepare for loss, provide emotional support, and foster a healthier, more compassionate way to heal and move forward.

Thank you to Karlet and her family for sharing Anthony’s story.