What to say and not to say to a bereaved colleague

• It is important to acknowledge a colleague’s loss, even if it is uncomfortable at first.
• You may want to ask your colleague how you can help or offer to go through the support options together
• Checking in down the line is very often appreciated.
• Grief can fluctuate over time or be triggered suddenly, even if a lot of time has passed.
• If you are a line manager or HR professional, there is guidance available in your accompanying sections.

Everyone will have a unique experience and way to process their grief, which is why it is important to not assume what our colleagues are going through.

Asking them how they are doing can be a big relief for both of you, and open up important conversations about how they wish to be supported.

Remember, you do not need to fix the situation or have all the answers.

Your HR team will be able to support you further. For now, focus on listening to the person and being compassionate to their situation.

Acknowledge their loss or situation. Even if it feels scary, a clumsy delivery is better than ignoring your colleague and leaving them to feel alone.

Choose an appropriate time and setting. Somewhere that is private and neither of you needs to rush off is good. You could ask if they want to grab a coffee or go for a walk nearby.

If you are not sure what to say, keep it simple and honest.

• Follow their lead – mirror the language or phrases they use. For example, they may prefer saying someone is ‘gone’ rather than saying they have died.
• Be patient. Your colleague may not want to talk right now. This may change or it may not. Trying again later down the line can be helpful.

• Do not ignore your colleague. Waiting too long or avoiding them could make having the conversation even more difficult. It is also painful to be ignored.
• Avoid using clichés or ‘silver linings’ such as “they had a long life” or “everything happens for a reason”. These may be more harmful than helpful.
• Do not assume that everyone will react the same. Even people experiencing the same bereavement may have very different reactions due to their personality or personal history.
• Avoid talking about your experience or someone else unless asked. This can sometimes make the other person feel like you are taking away from his or her own unique experience.

Talking about difficult topics can be uncomfortable, but it is important to give your colleague the space and time to talk about their situation. Some people find it very comforting to talk about the person they have lost or the difficulties they are facing. Others may not want to talk at all.

If the other person becomes silent or you are not sure what to say, allow them a few moments before filling the silence. It may be that they need time to think or articulate how they are feeling. If they do not want to speak you can also sit together in silence. It can be a great comfort just to know someone is there next to them or on the other end of the phone.

If they do not want to speak, that’s okay too. You can let them know you are there if they change their mind later on.

It can be tempting to support someone who is upset or having a difficult time by talking about your own experiences or someone you know who had a similar experience. However, sometimes this can feel like you are minimising their own grief or unique experience. Try to give advice or examples only if the other person has asked.

Many emotions come with difficult situations like grief. Letting your colleague know they can talk to you and creating a safe space to express how they are feeling can be helpful.

You may do this verbally by saying something like:

"It’s okay to talk about however you’re feeling. I’m here to listen without judgement."

You may also do this by thinking about your body language and how you respond. Try to keep open body language, such as uncrossing your arms. You will also want to make sure you are responding and affirming what the other person is saying.

"I can hear that you’re feeling quite angry, that must be difficult for you".

It’s important to keep whatever your colleague shares with you private unless they have specifically given you permission or asked you to share it with others. The only time you would break this promise is if you were concerned for their safety or the safety of someone else.

Depending on your relationship, you may or may not be able to provide support to your colleague. It’s okay not to have solutions. Remember, you don’t need to ‘fix’ the situation. Instead you can ask what they need or how you can help.

If you are unsure, a kind gesture never hurts. For example, making them a cup of tea or sending a condolences card. Depending on what is appropriate, you or your colleagues may want to organise a way to express your condolences together such as flowers or practical gifts such as food or childcare vouchers.