Baby loss and miscarriage

Miscarriage and baby loss is unfortunately more common than most people realise. One in eight pregnancies will end in miscarriage. One in every 200 babies are born stillborn in the UK.

We may not know exactly what our colleague is going through, and even if we have experienced something similar, everyone grieves and reacts differently. Learning about some of the ways people can be affected physically, mentally and emotionally after a baby dies can help you to understand what they may need, and allow you to be more compassionate and considerate when offering support.

These pages can be a helpful starting point: 

https://www.sands.org.uk/sands-bereavement-support-book 

https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/information/leaflets/ 

A miscarriage is the loss of a pregnancy during the first 23 weeks.

A stillbirth is when a baby is born dead after 24 completed weeks of pregnancy.

 

What you say and how you say it sets the tone for how comfortable your colleague feels sharing information in future, so getting it right is important

Often times hearing, “I’m sorry for your loss” is enough. Many parents say that having their baby’s existence validated is important to them during their grieving process.

It’s also important to acknowledge a miscarriage if it is a recurring experience. Parents can get less acknowledgement if it has happened more than once.    

Once you ask how much your colleague wants to share, it can be a thoughtful touch to send a card or flowers from close colleagues. If appropriate, offering a practical condolence gift, such as meal delivery or vouchers can also be appreciated.

 

There are some phrases that might seem helpful but that people tell us are hurtful to hear and are to be avoided:

•    “It obviously wasn’t meant to be.”

•    “At least you know you can get pregnant.”

•    “You can always try again.”

•    “At least it wasn’t further along.”

Phrases like these minimise the person’s loss and can make them feel even more isolated or reluctant to share how they are feeling. 

 Instead, try:

•    A simple condolence or acknowledgement of what you have heard “I’m sorry for your loss” “I’m really sorry to hear your baby died.”

•    “I know there’s nothing I can do to change what happened but I’m here to support you in whatever way you need.”

•    “However you feel is okay. I’m here to listen if you want to talk.”

•    If you don’t know what to say, that’s okay to say too.

•    Using the baby’s name if you know it is often appreciated.

Many parents who lose a baby or pregnancy experience disenfranchised grief – a type of grief that is not acknowledged or ignored. You can support your colleague by validating their grief, and recognising what has happened to them. 

 

Once you have acknowledged the bereavement there are some questions that may help you understand what support your colleague may need:

•    How can we support you during this time?

•    Do you need time away from work?

•    How would you like me to keep in touch?

•    What, if anything, do you want the team to be told? 

•    Are you aware of the organisational policies and support? Does anything need clarifying? 

•    What support do you have in place outside of work?

•    Would you like signposting to further support?

Bereavement can be overwhelming and it may be difficult to make decisions. It can be helpful to ask your colleague what they would like you to take the lead on and what is important for them to have control over. This can take unnecessary stress off their plate while still giving them a sense of autonomy. 

 

It is helpful to familiarise yourself with your organisation’s sick leave and compassionate leave policies. Check if your organisation has a miscarriage policy. If you need to create one, the Miscarriage Association provides a free template.  

It is very likely that your colleague will need time away from work to process their grief. They may also need time for practical matters such as attending doctors’ appointments or organising a memorial service. Organisations should consider taking the employees lead and offering as much paid leave and flexibility as possible. It is considerate to offer leave for partners too.

Acas provides comprehensive guidance for time off if an employee or their partner has a stillbirth or miscarriage. 

 

Returning to work after a bereavement can be daunting for both the bereaved employee and their colleagues. While the employee is off, it’s important to stay in touch without applying pressure to return to work. You may want to clarify how often you expect to speak and whether it’s better to reach them on email or the phone. 

Questions to ask include:

•    What would help you feel supported in coming back?

•    Are there any adjustment that would make work easier?

•    How would you like your first day to look like? Would it be helpful to meet beforehand or do reduced hours?

•    How can we support you if you become upset?

•    Do you have any concerns or worries? Is there anything you want to avoid?

•    Would you like colleagues to be told about your return to work?

 

Our grief doesn’t end when we return to work. It is likely that your colleague will be affected by their loss for a long time, maybe forever. It is important to keep in mind that there may be physical effects that impact their performance or mental health.

Put regular catch-ups in your diaries but reassure them that they can come to you at any point before then.

Some questions you might want to ask include: 

•    How are you feeling lately?

•    Is the support we have in place working for you?

•    Is there anything else we can be doing to support you?

If they do come to you make sure you give them your full attention and support. It can be thoughtful to pay attention to important dates such as anniversaries of the death. This time will be difficult but open communication can help. 

 

Miscarriage Association offers support and information for those affected by miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy or molar pregnancy. This guidance for employees may be helpful.

Child Bereavement UK has support groups, offers counselling and online resources. 

Cruse Bereavement Care offers six sessions talking to a trained bereavement volunteer. 

Sands is a charity that provides support to anyone affected by the death of a baby. 

Saying Goodbye offers support, advice and a befriending service. You can also attend Saying Goodbye ceremonies across the country.

Twins Trust provides support after losing a multiple birth baby.

 

•    If returning to the office, offer to meet your colleague outside or for a coffee. Having someone to walk in with can ease nerves about coming back for the first time.

•    Remind them that there is no timeline for grief. They might find they need more time away, or need time off later down the line.

•    You can ask if the employee wants their colleagues to be told about their return, and if so what they want to be shared. They may want to write something themselves or oversee a drafted email that you put together.

•    An initial meeting will help the transition back to work and identify any support needs. This Wellness Action Plan from Mind can help guide the conversation as well as record what you decide together.

•    Be conscious of their surroundings and workload – do they have to see images of babies or work with children often? Are there pregnant co-workers or baby showers happening in the office? Will they be alone for long periods?