‘I wanted to have my say’: how Heather has planned her own funeral

Planning your own funeral may seem to some like a strange idea, but it's one of life’s biggest events, if not the biggest. It’s the only one we can’t avoid, yet many of us either avoid talking about it until it’s too late, or don’t think about our own funerals until we're coming to the end of our lives.

Some people ask if it is ‘weird’ to plan your own funeral. It’s a completely natural thing to do – it’s just that most people don’t know it’s an option. 

That's why Heather Cookson has already taken care of what she'd like at hers.

Heather – who is receiving palliative care at St Catherine’s Lostock Hall hospice – has chosen her coffin, funeral music, and even her dress, wig and makeup. She says she doesn’t feel frightened about what’s ahead.

“We asked for a celebrant to visit and she was surprised to be meeting with me,” Heather explains. “She said she usually speaks with family members after the person has died. But I wanted to have my say and make sure that everything is just the way I want it to be. I got the chance to talk to her about all the things I’ve loved in my life, and she got to know my personality and wishes.

“I know that my cousin is going to read a lovely poem, and I’ve chosen the songs which I’m hoping will make people smile. I think they will give people a little giggle as well because they know my sense of humour. One of the songs is ‘My Way’ which is quite fitting!

“I’ve always liked wearing nice makeup so I’ve chosen that as well as my dress and wig, because I want to look like myself. Kevin and I originally started talking about all of this years ago and we put our funeral plans in place then, but nothing needs to be set in stone and things can be updated if your circumstances or priorities change. I’ve just chosen a new coffin to one which uses natural materials, which I think is perfect for me.

One of the aims at St Catherine’s Hospice is to shine the light on the importance of families and friends opening up about their end-of-life wishes.

They also want to raise awareness about ways people can support their loved ones, neighbours and colleagues through difficult times such as bereavement. They try to encourage everyone to write a will so that their plans and preferences are recorded.

Heather continues, “We want to make these important decisions while we can, because we know that things don’t automatically get passed on to your partner or family if you don’t have a will in place.

“It’s not just about where your money will go; it’s about making sure your wishes are met, like we’ve said we’d like our ashes scattered together, along with our little dog. We just want to make sure that nobody has anything to worry about or difficult decisions to make on our behalf.”

Kevin adds, “Not many people have the courage to do what Heather has done, to speak so honestly and openly about dying and how she wants her life to be celebrated and remembered. People don’t like to think about death so they put those conversations off, hoping they won’t need to deal with it for a very long time to come.

“But it’s never too early to start thinking about this kind of thing, and then at least you can have peace of mind that everything is in order.

“We found the process so much easier when my mum and dad died because they’d put everything in place. It took some of the pressure away at a difficult time, and I feel really reassured now that I understand everything Heather wants when the time comes.”

At the time of publication, Heather continues to be cared for by St Catherine’s community Clinical Nurse Specialist team.